Day of Discontent

Yesterday I felt moody and melancholy. I hate those feelings. I think being home has aroused some emotions in me that I was not prepared for. I have noticed an annoying pattern within my post-college self, I am not content to chill where I am. I constantly feel the need to think and daydream about the next step. When I was at home after DTS, I couldn’t wait to get back to full-time ministry in Maui. But now that I am so briefly home again, I find myself longing for stability, money, and a family. This probably has something to do with my friends buying houses and having kids. I think I get nervous that I will never settle down. I like security and I don’t like change so the thought of settling down in Houston, sounds really appealing right now.

If I were God, I know I would be thinking something like this: She didn't like living in Houston. She wanted to go back to Maui and I let her go back to Maui. Now, she wants to be back in Houston. Can't she just make up her mind?

At the same time, I know that when I am settled in Houston with a husband and kids, I will miss my missionary days and the crazy adventures. I need to become like the apostle Paul and be able to say that I can find content in every circumstance. Constantly thinking about the next phase in my life is only going to cheapen what I am going through now. I am excited to return to Maui and lead a team to Bangladesh. I just think that being in Houston has made me think too much about how my life will be when I return in a year. I know that returning to Maui will make a lot of this future plan stuff seem less pressing. I am also trying to spend more time with God and let his word speak to my insecurities.