Contemplating Change

As usual, I should be doing school stuff on a Sunday night but I am not. I just spent a little time laying on my porch swing and contempleating all that's going on in my life. This is one of those times of change, where it seems like there is significant change in almost every area of my life. I don't think it's felt this intense since Spring/Summer 2003 when I broke up with a boyfriend, my parents moved out of my childhood home, my best friend got married, I graduated from college and left Austin and was getting ready to go to Maui for the first time.

The first big thing that has happened recently is my brother deploying to Iraq. This is his second time there but it's different now that he has a baby. It feels like there is more at stake. I haven't really dealt with my emotions about him being in Iraq for a year. I know I need to deal with them and I can feel them bubbling up inside me but I have been unable to let them out. I am running on denial right now, which I know is unhealthy in the long run but easier to deal with now. I'm trying to pray and remind myself that his life is in God's hands but even that is tinged with a large dose of denial. I know I will have to break down and have a good cry about it but right now it's like my emotions are clogged inside of me and not coming out yet.

The other big changes are impending. My parents are very close to owning an incredible house in the Heights. I mean, this place is just awesome! This is a change that does not bother me one bit. In fact, I am pretty excited about it. Their current home is the townhome they bought after moving out of my childhood home. I was never especially attached to it. In fact, my second parents growing up, the Harnlys, have sold their home and that feels far more traumatic than my parents current move. I went to the Harnlys today and despite knowing they'd sold their house, I felt my heart drop when I saw the SOLD sign in their front yard. So, I am excited about my parents move because the house is just awesome. I am pumped about living there this Summer.

I am moving out of my current house at the end of the month. You would barely know it if you came in my house since I have been a master procrastinator about packing. I have a feeling that most of it will be left until the last minute in my usual style. It's a bit overwhelming since I have to have my classroom cleaned and packed up by almost the exact same date. I haven't made that much progress in that department either. I feel somewhat relieved to be leaving my school with all its politics and drama but I will deeply miss my students and the friends I have grown close to there.

I am still planning to complete another YWAM school in Maui in the Fall though I don't know officially whether I have gotten in or not. The school runs from September through December. After that I plan on coming home for Christmas so my poor mom has at least one of her children. Then, my plans are a little less solid. This is starting to make me feel uneasy since I like to know what comes next. I am hoping to stay in Maui and work on the English teaching curriculum for the China project but I am not 100% sure that's what God has in store for me. I also have hopes of going to China for a year or more after Andrew gets back from Iraq but that doesn't feel for sure yet. It's like I have a feeling deep down that things will turn out very differently than the way I see them in my mind right now. And to be honest, despite an unwavering faith that God has good in store for me, my overall uncertainty about my future is quite scary. So, I know as I have had to do in other times of great change, I need to cling to God, the only thing in life that is guaranteed not to change, and ride this thing out.