Elastic Basket for my Peaches

I also have a website: www.lizhightower.com

Monday, August 13, 2007

Missing Maui

Warning to reader- This was written late at night and is fairly personal and highly reflective. If you are looking for humorous antecdotes, this is not the blog entry for you. Hopefully one of those will come again soon.

I really miss Maui right now. I know you are probably thinking, "Big surprise! Maui is paradise and people pay big bucks to vacation there." Well, when I say that I miss Maui it is more that I miss YWAM Maui and all the incredible people there. I was so unbelievably lucky to get to spend a year and a half with 50+ people who genuinely cared for me and would drop whatever they were doing in order to pray for me when I needed it. I also developed some incredibly deep and vulnerable friendships, and while we have sustained the friendships over the phone, it is not the same as being there to literally cry in each other's arms when necessary.

It's not that I have a lack of quality friends here. In fact, I feel lucky to that so many of my friends have settled in Houston recently. But, here in the real world, we all get so caught up in our own stuff that we can't fully be there for our hurting friends like we should. I wish that real life was more like my YWAM life.

Luckily God makes it clear why I am here in this time almost daily but it doesn't stop this longing I have to be in such a supportive, vibrant Christian community. It is hard to create that outside of a full-time living and working environment like YWAM. The other night I had some sort of nightmare where I awoke thinking I had to get back to Maui and soon. I don't even remember the dream but it sure felt urgent.

I am frustrated by all the change and unknown in my life. I like to be in control. I know ultimately that God is in control and if I didn't believe that I would probably have a nervous breakdown. I don't like change unless I am the one in control of the changing. I was supposed to teach 4th grade and now I am teaching 3rd. It really isn't a huge deal but in this very uncertain time in my life, another change really throws me off. I know ultimately that I will be teaching these specific kids for a reason but it sure would have been nice to know months ago when I got the job. There are obviously bigger concerns in my life.

My brother, the person I love the most in this world, is in the middle of a war. It is easy to pretend that it's not happening. I don't even pray for him enough because that would make it harder to delude myself. Bad men will continue to try to harm my little brother until January and that is just a fact. If I let myself think about it too much, I will implode.

And now Sarah, my best friend, has breast cancer. Right now is a time of not knowing the extent of the cancer or what will be done. It is endlessly scary. I truly am hopeful but I have also seen the reality of this disease. Mrs. Pilgreen, mom of my friends, Lee and Erin had breast cancer too. And she was of the age that is more likely to get it. She beat it once and then it came back and killed her. If that happens to Sarah, I just don't know what I will do. We have been friends more than half of our lives. Some people say, "God will heal her." But in the Bible, God promises to heal us but sometimes that is not this side of Heaven. And whether or not God heals Sarah does not affect His character or whether He is a good God or not. And yet I pray fervently for God's healing for Sarah. I do have hope that she will beat it and I plan to stand by her every step of the way. There are just no guarantees. If I could shave my head and guarantee Sarah a full recovery with no reoccurences, I would. In fact I would do just about anything. But that is not how life works. There are no guarantees especially with a beast like cancer. Lance Armstrong had cancer all over his body and then won the Tour de France. And Mrs. Pilgreen died before seeing her grandchildren grow up. My grandma had ovarian cancer in her 40's and lived to be 93, And Jorie Zemel died of bone cancer at 14. There are no guarantees one way or the other and I HATE IT!

To combat the worrisome stress in my life, I am working out like a fiend. My mind may be troubled but my body will look good. Of all the things people turn to in order to relieve frustrations, working out is a good bet, I think. It's definitely better than getting drunk or not eating or sleeping all day.

I once read a quote and I liked it so much that I wrote it in my Bible-
"We act as though the purpose of our prayers is to inform God of our need rather than to confess that we depend utterly on Him to provide what He already knows we need." I totally agree. It is about surrendering our desire to be in control and letting God take His proper role in our lives. So, God I surrender these people I love up to you. I trust you with Andrew and I trust you with Sarah. I also surrender my desire for a husband and especially the desire to know who that husband will be. I surrender my desire to teach fourth grade since I have now been reassigned to third. But most importantly I surrender my desire to be in control. You know so much better than I do and I thank you that I am not like those without hope.
"Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope." 1 Thess 4:13
Thank you God that with you I have hope.

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